


hate & love

by whitherwaywill



Series: one chapter wonders [14]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Flashbacks, Gen, M/M, dean has some shit to work out, ginny and seamus are bros, like without seamus realizing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25556914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitherwaywill/pseuds/whitherwaywill
Summary: It's been a long seventh year at Hogwarts without Dean.
Relationships: Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas, past Ginny Weasley/Dean Thomas
Series: one chapter wonders [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1689838
Comments: 2
Kudos: 56





	hate & love

Seamus hated Ginny Weasley, on principle.

Seamus hated a lot of things these days. He had always been a firecracker (sometimes literally), but he had never thought it possible for him to carry such hate in his heart for so many things at once.

Seamus hated that Dean hadn't – _couldn't –_ come back to Hogwarts for his seventh year.

Seamus hated that Ginny Weasley was making it impossible for him to continue hating her.

Seamus hated, hated, the Carrows.

"C'mon, you got it," he said under his breath, lifting a firstie's head up, and tipping a pain potion down their throat. He was gentle, even as he avada'd every person who had aimed their wands at _kids_ in his head.

It didn't matter that almost all the older kids who were forced to 'practice' Crucio'ing _firsties_ were trying to fail, trying to curse just enough that they wouldn't get tortured themselves but not enough to actually hurt. For every one of those, there was someone like Crabbe, or Goyle, who _idolized_ the Carrows.

He was softly letting the firstie's head back onto the ground and moving on to the next when Ginny stumbled into the room. She looked rough, clearly just returning from her own session with the Carrows. Neville supported her, his face grim.

Ginny's mouth was a flat line as she took in the scene – the barely conscious first and second years, and Seamus, the only one helping. She jutted her chin at him. "Room of Requirement?"

Seamus nodded curtly, administering pain potion to the last kid. Neville let go of Ginny, putting those new muscles he had grown to use and picking up no less than three kids. Ginny pushed herself off the wall, supporting a few of the other kids who had recovered enough to walk on their own.

Neville Disillusioned himself and the kids he was helping, and Ginny and Seamus followed suit. They made their way to the safety of the Room of Requirement at an agonizing pace.

Seamus hated looking over his shoulder in the one place that was _supposed_ to be safe. He hated having to stifle the firsties' whimpers as they passed by closed classroom doors and hiked up stairs.

He felt weak with relief when they finally made it to the Room of Requirement, ushering the kids through the door.

Lavender was waiting, a grim look on her face and shelves full of vials behind her. Seamus helped guide the firsties to the stacks of pillows she had set out as beds. She shooed him away when he tried to help.

"You did good, Sea. Go rest."

Anyone who thought Hogwarts had been untouched by the war was an imbecile.

Relieved of his duty, Seamus allowed himself to slump against the wall in a corner. He took deep breaths, trying not to let himself cry.

It had been a long day. But at least he hadn't been tortured, he reminded himself. Thank Merlin for small miracles. Or maybe it was a large one - Seamus had extreme difficulty keeping his mouth shut around the Carrows and their disciples.

Across the room, Parvati helped Lavender with the kids. Neville and Ginny patched each other up, along with scattered pairs around them.

Seamus was the only one who was alone.

Moments like this, he let himself miss Dean. Merlin, he _missed_ him.

He tipped his head back against the wall, closing his eyes.

Dean had left him alone, before Dumbledore had died. Before he _had_ to. It felt like a stab to the back every time Seamus thought of what had happened. And still, Seamus couldn't stop _missing_ him.

He wavered over that thin line between love and hate whenever he thought of Dean. It was _so easy_ to hate these days, and hating Dean might make Seamus feel better. It might make his absence hurt less.

But every time Seamus tried to summon up the energy to hate his best friend, he remembered the _look_ on Dean's face, the last time Seamus saw him. This look, like his world was crumbling all around him and the truths he had told himself his whole life no longer applied.

The hate dissipated before Seamus could even try to make it stick.

It was easier to hate Ginny, to blame _her_ for Seamus losing his best friend.

When Ginny slid down the wall and sat next to him, his eyes popped open, but he didn't say anything. She didn't say anything either, choosing to drink out of a bottle of firewhiskey she had pilfered from somewhere - probably the Hog's Head.

"We work well together," Ginny said eventually, passing Seamus the firewhiskey. He took a long swallow, before handing it back. "You should stop not liking me and we can be friends."

Seamus was taken aback, and he gaped at Ginny. "I - I don't _not_ like you -"

"You don't," Ginny said tiredly, tipping the bottle back. "Like me, that is." She nudged him, leaning in. "I know why," she whispered.

Seamus stiffened. "Do you?" he said.

"Dean."

"Fuck." Seamus swore automatically. He apparently had little to no control over his mouth.

Ginny sighed, tipping over and resting her head against Seamus' shoulder. He shifted, uncomfortably aware that this was his best – or, ex-best – mate's ex-girlfriend who Seamus hated _on principle_. Ginny didn't notice, setting the bottle down in-between them.

"Will you tell me what happened?"

"I…" Seamus swallowed, taking the bottle and chugging half. "Do I have to?"

Ginny shrugged, her shoulder knocking against his arm, and somehow, she slid down so her head was in his lap. He looked down at her, bemused. This didn't fit with his impression of Ginny.

"I'm not nearly drunk enough to not be in pain," she said, shutting her eyes. "Distract me."

"Pain potion," Seamus suggested half-heartedly, but he knew she would say no.

"Saving it for the kids."

Seamus sighed. He opened the door to the dark, dark closet he had trapped his memories of Dean.

"I'm in love with my best friend."

It had come on so slowly, Seamus hadn't even noticed it at first.

The small things were what caught his eye. Dean's dimples, when he beamed after Seamus had made a particularly good crack at Snape. The way Dean leaned into Seamus, his breath tickling his ear as he whispered during the Sorting Feast, their thighs pressed together under the table.

Seamus had always known, objectively, that he liked men.

He hadn't realised that applied to Dean, too.

And he thought Dean _liked_ him. It was in the flirty touches, sitting too close at meals, cuddling in the common room. Things that boys who were just mates _didn't_ generally do, Seamus thought.

It was in the late-night conversation they had, Dean slipping into Seamus' bed and saying, "I think I like someone. Should I go for it?"

What could Seamus say but _yes?_

He should have known better than to get his hopes up - the next day, Dean was dating Ginny.

Seamus had felt betrayed, and hurt, and he hadn't known what to do. He had thought he was certain of where this was going, and to find out he was so abruptly completely wrong?

He hadn't reacted well. He cornered Dean in a secluded corridor about a week into his and Ginny's relationship, demanding to know what he thought he was doing with the youngest Weasley. It had turned into a fight all too quickly.

Dean had turned on Seamus, Seamus' fiery anger reflected in Dean's eyes for once.

"Why? Why shouldn't I date Ginny?" he had demanded, and he had said it like he was searching for an excuse not to - like he was begging for Seamus to give him a reason not to. "She's fun, and I like her, and -"

"You know why, you bloody idiot!"

Seamus was never good at feelings. He was a man of action, Dean used to say, with that sparkling, teasing glint in his eye that made Seamus want to push him up against the nearest wall.

He couldn't put his _feelings_ into words, so he grabbed Dean by the tie, yanking him down and kissing him.

Dean had pushed Seamus away, and Seamus saw the disgust and shame in his face.

Seamus had apologized, but for all Dean insisted they were still friends, he avoided Seamus like the plague. So Seamus avoided him back, and they were both miserable for the second half of sixth year - and they hadn't had time to stop being miserable before they started being afraid.

The story flowed out of his mouth, and he couldn't stop himself from spilling the entire secret if he tried. He had kept it to himself for far too long. Ginny didn't interrupt, and he wondered if she had fallen asleep in his lap.

When he stopped talking, taking a raggedy breath, Ginny patted his knee.

"You miss him," she said quietly.

Seamus couldn't deny it, but... "I wouldn't want him to come back," he voiced, feeling the truth in his bones. "It's bad enough for me… for us." _It would be worse for a muggleborn_ goes unsaid.

"Yeah," Ginny said. Seamus sagged against the wall, exhaustion setting in. He closed his eyes. He could sleep sitting up, just this once. It was probably best he didn't sleep too soundly, just in case someone needed help in the middle of the night.

"He'll be back, Sea," Ginny said, after a long enough silence that Seamus had thought she had fallen asleep. "He'll come back for you."

Seamus didn't bother opening his eyes. Hope rushed up in his throat so quickly that he choked on it, forcing it back down.

Hope _hurt._

"He won't," Seamus stated. The revolted, terrified look on Dean's face after Seamus kissed him was burned into his brain.

Dean wouldn't come back for him.

"He will," she said like a promise. "Unless…" _he's dead,_ she didn't say. She shook her head, shifting."He will."

Seamus was already halfway down the path to becoming a bitter, bitter young man when Harry Potter returned to Hogwarts. The joy of seeing his friend again, _alive,_ eclipsed the burning desire to set fire to the Carrows and possibly the rest of Hogwarts.

Hope still hurt, but now that Harry Potter was here… they were in the endgame. Maybe it would all go down in flames, maybe Seamus would die, maybe the world would end tomorrow. Either way, there would be no more fighting.

He didn't let himself think of Dean as more and more people emerged from the portrait hole.

When Dean stepped through, it was like a jolt of electricity, straight to Seamus' brain, burning down that lingering, oozing fear that Dean was _dead –_ that he wouldn't come back for Seamus because he _couldn't,_ not just because he didn't want to.

Seamus didn't think as he rushed Dean, didn't think to check for that apprehensive look his friend had worn whenever Seamus headed his way in sixth year.

He didn't have to worry. Dean wrapped his arms around Seamus, gripping him just as tightly back.

Dean was too skinny, and Seamus could feel most of his bones as he hugged him. He pushed back burning tears, inhaling his familiar smell.

He was _alive,_ and he had _come back._

Seamus pulled back and punched him in the shoulder. "I thought you _died_ ," he hissed.

"I didn't," Dean gripped his shoulders firmly, steadying Seamus. As if from a distance, Seamus realised he was shaking hard enough that Dean's arms trembled. "I didn't die, Sea."

Seamus let out all his breath in a whoosh, and it suddenly occurred to him that Dumbledore's Army was gathering for a battle.

Dean didn't come back for him.

Seamus took a step back, attempting to step out of Dean's space, but Dean followed him, matching him step for step with an intent look on his face.

Seamus cleared his throat. "I'm sorry," he said, pointedly stopping near the edge of the crowd. "I didn't mean to overstep – you made your feelings clear last year -"

"I was scared," Dean interrupted him, and hope stifled Seamus' breath. He couldn't breathe for fear of choking on it. "I was scared, but then I realised there are worse things in life to be scared of than being in love with my best friend."

"Fuck," Seamus breathed, because he had no control over his brain to mouth filter when Dean was edging him away from the main group, gently pushing him against the wall, and _kissing_ him.

Dean, _kissing_ him.

Seamus' brain short-circuited. When Dean pulled back, he couldn't do anything but gape. "I thought…"

Dean shook his head. "I wasn't out, _and_ I was with Ginny," he said. He gave Seamus a half-smile, that dimple winking at him. "No redemption arc for cheaters."

Seamus nodded. "Right. But…"

"I didn't want to die," Dean said. "Not without you."

Seamus pulled Dean back in quickly, kissing him before they got drawn into the restless crowd.

Even in the shifting current of students, they kept hold of each other. When Ginny climbed up onto a box, raising herself above the crowd, all Seamus felt was relief.

There was no 'principle' he had to pretend to hate Ginny on.

Dean grinned at him when Seamus glanced over, squeezing his hand.

"You-Know-Who is coming!" Ginny shouted. For all that Mrs. Weasley had tried to keep her out of the fray, she had failed. Her daughter was indomitable. "And when he comes, we will be waiting!"

The crowd of students who were going to fight roared, and they almost drowned out her own roar.

"Dumbledore's Army!"

Adrenaline rushed through Seamus at Ginny's rallying cry, and felt that terrible excitement echoed in the press of Dean's shoulder against his.

There was a thin line between hate and love. But Seamus had spent a year wallowing in hate. If he was going to go out, he was going to go out with love in his heart.

He squeezed Dean's hand, and they charged into battle.


End file.
